It’s four months to Christmas. Which means it is also four months to wedding season. Everyone knows this involves buying asoebi like that’s what you came to this life to do.
Asoebi is fine, you know, a good way to add to your wardrobe. But the problem is that asoebi is expensive, and the economy is bad. The money you have is already budgeted for other stuff like looking good… so you can find your own husband or wife.
We all know Asoebi is an investment without returns. Except in cases where you are lucky enough to meet your own better half, or someone who can change your life a.k.a helper or big god.
Coming from a place of constant asoebi duties with nothing to show for it except a box of never-to-be worn dresses, I present to you five ways of escaping unwanted asoebi duties.
The After Six Months call
We all have friends who never call us and we don’t even notice. The ‘happy birthday’ comment on Instagram is more than enough for a whole year. When you get a call from such person, don’t let them land; say, “Okwa asoebi ehhh? You’ve not called me since 1900 biko be going.” My dear, form vex. Use it as an escape plan, if not, your money is gone. If it is not an asoebi call, then you are safe and the nonexistent friendship continues.
We all have friends who never call us and we don’t even notice. The ‘happy birthday’ comment on Instagram is more than enough for a whole year. When you get a call from such person, don’t let them land; say, “Okwa asoebi ehhh? You’ve not called me since 1900 biko be going.” My dear, form vex. Use it as an escape plan, if not, your money is gone. If it is not an asoebi call, then you are safe and the nonexistent friendship continues.
No Middle Name, No Asoebi
How can you donate your hard earned money to someone who doesn’t know your middle name if it is not charity? Start asking them your full name before you accept that asoebi. Your true friends should know your baptismal and confirmation names, even the names your paternal and maternal grandparents gave you. My middle name is Onyinye, even my enemies know it, so I have a special name for this purpose. This name sometimes I don’t even remember is my name but if you don’t know it then why are we friends? Alexa, play ‘Oh Na Na What’s My Name’ by Rihanna
How can you donate your hard earned money to someone who doesn’t know your middle name if it is not charity? Start asking them your full name before you accept that asoebi. Your true friends should know your baptismal and confirmation names, even the names your paternal and maternal grandparents gave you. My middle name is Onyinye, even my enemies know it, so I have a special name for this purpose. This name sometimes I don’t even remember is my name but if you don’t know it then why are we friends? Alexa, play ‘Oh Na Na What’s My Name’ by Rihanna
Clash of Dates
When you get the asoebi call from your friend or acquaintance, just sound super excited until they tell you the date. Then you will be like “OMG, I have another wedding the same day oo. I can’t believe this is happening, but I will try my possible best to be there.” You have skillfully removed yourself from this one, because you cannot wear two different dresses on the same day when you are not Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses. That way, you can rock your own dress and money is saved. Sense will not kill me.
When you get the asoebi call from your friend or acquaintance, just sound super excited until they tell you the date. Then you will be like “OMG, I have another wedding the same day oo. I can’t believe this is happening, but I will try my possible best to be there.” You have skillfully removed yourself from this one, because you cannot wear two different dresses on the same day when you are not Katherine Heigl in 27 Dresses. That way, you can rock your own dress and money is saved. Sense will not kill me.
You Already Have an Outfit in that Color
If someone wants to sell you a colour you already have, be sure to point that out because you are not a pimp named Slickback who probably has a closet filled with purple clothes. If the shades are different, try your best to convince them that those fancy lights at the reception can change the color of your outfit to theirs. If water could turn into wine, and at a wedding, even, then anything is possible. Also, let them know you were a chameleon in your past life.
If someone wants to sell you a colour you already have, be sure to point that out because you are not a pimp named Slickback who probably has a closet filled with purple clothes. If the shades are different, try your best to convince them that those fancy lights at the reception can change the color of your outfit to theirs. If water could turn into wine, and at a wedding, even, then anything is possible. Also, let them know you were a chameleon in your past life.
It Is Too Expensive/You Don’t Have Money
I know a lot of people shy away from this one because they are forming one thing one thing. See, if the asoebi is too expensive, better let the person know. Not when someone brings ₦4000 material and sells it for ₦20k and you buy because you don’t want them to call you broke. Also, if you don’t have money say you don’t have and move on. ‘Na broke you broke you no kee person.’ Don’t form your way to bankruptcy, it is definitely not worth it. A true friend will understand your situation and find a way to still involve you on that day. Stop stressing yourself for superficial people who do not care if you have to starve to be able to afford their asoebi.
I know a lot of people shy away from this one because they are forming one thing one thing. See, if the asoebi is too expensive, better let the person know. Not when someone brings ₦4000 material and sells it for ₦20k and you buy because you don’t want them to call you broke. Also, if you don’t have money say you don’t have and move on. ‘Na broke you broke you no kee person.’ Don’t form your way to bankruptcy, it is definitely not worth it. A true friend will understand your situation and find a way to still involve you on that day. Stop stressing yourself for superficial people who do not care if you have to starve to be able to afford their asoebi.
I am not saying you shouldn’t support your friends. My friends can vouch for me that I am always available when they need me. These excuses are for random people who are most likely going to give me even worse excuses if they were in my shoes. Things like “my brother-in-law’s wife’s sister’s dog caught fire and fell in the fish pond and the fishes caught fire too, so we are going to pour pepper and onions on them to turn the fishes into barbecued fish so they don’t go to waste.”
Asoebi is an essential part of any event, just like jollof rice, but I never heard someone cancelled their wedding simply because one person wasn’t a part of it. All that money can be used for other things like improving yourself. If we all sit to calculate all the money we’ve spent on asoebi, I am sure some people’s own should be able to complete a duplex somewhere in Enugu.
My dear friends who I have done asoebi for, there is no escaping this one. Be sure you cannot use any of these excuses because you can’t outshine the master. The only way you can escape is with your Doctor’s report.
Photo Credit: Dreamstime
